Hooray! Your friend just got engaged! You are incredibly happy for your bestie and cannot wait to celebrate! But, how do you really feel?
Welcome to February. One month after the beginning of the year and one month behind the beginning of Spring. A month of blistering cold with hopes of warmer temperatures around the corner. It’s also a month of heritage with the celebration of black history. But, February also holds a very special day. A day a lot of single (and, some hooked up!) people dread. A day where cupid takes his arrow and drowns himself in a ton of vodka: Valentine’s Day.
Ahh, yes. “VD” as my gusband* calls it. The day where Hallmark claims we should show our love in the biggest way possible. A day where people get crazy, single or taken, and it becomes one glorious show of awesome. I usually like to sit back and watch the tears of joy (or hate!) that occur. (Go people watching on VD. You won’t regret it!)
VD also marks the end of engagement season. Read: everyone you know that didn’t get engaged during the holidays or the New Year will be in exactly one week. Get ready.
That’s right. DKE is here to whip you into shape. No one likes a party pooper. Do you really want to be known as the friend who didn’t care? Or, the friend who was so miserable she ruined a friend’s wedding or worse, destroyed a friendship? C’mon. You are better than that!
More often than not, our ego gets caught up inside of us and it may fog our true intentions. Here’s a little advice to focus on the love.
Remove the SELF and LOATHING Out of Self-Loathing
Chuck Palahniuk said it best: “When we don’t know who to hate, we hate ourselves.”
You love your friend. You’ve been through thick and thin. She held your hand on the first day of third grade, and then years later, she held your hair while praying to the porcelain gods in college. You gave her tissues when all her ex’s dumped her and gave her the strength to pull through and be happy again. She has done the same for you and you know she is more than a friend, but your family.
So, why are you cringing at the thought of her getting married? You would never in a million years say out loud that you envy your friend. So, why are all these thoughts going on inside? Why do you all of a sudden loathe her just a teeny, tiny bit? We’re no psychologists (and, not judging anyone!), but there may be some underlying hint of jealousy on your part. You see your friend happy and you want the same. It’s natural. There is nothing wrong with that! She is getting hitched and you are well… figuring out you’re next move on Plenty of Fish and sifting through all the terrible dates. Or, you are balancing a career and children and feel you don’t have time for all of this. It’s not fair. We get it!
It’s also not nice to feel bad about yourself. Go celebrate with your friend. Be open and tell her how excited you are for them (because deep down you are!) but also vent to them and say how sick you are of the dating scene. (Or, remember and praise your friend about how wonderful she was during your own wedding planning!) Tell them they are lucky and you are happy to be witness to such an incredible event of LOVE.
But, just remember: this is her time, not your time. Just leave the self-loathing at the door and be honest. Feeling bad for yourself is not your color.
Don’t Shit Talk Behind Your Friend’s Back
“Ugh. That color is terrible.”
“I am not wearing that as a bridesmaid dress.”
“Omg. If I have to hear about the style of shoes one more time….”
“Can you believe how the bride-to-be is so selfish lately?”
A few zen thoughts first:
1. Nobody is better than anyone, just different: You are not your friend and vice versa. You may think the latest on the couture runway is the only way to go, but your friend might rather go to Ann Taylor and pick out something affordable and simple. Your opinions do not and should not have to be your friends opinions. If we were all the same, the world would be a super boring place. Of course, give your opinions in a healthy, supportive way, but remember to keep your own desires saved for your wedding — which will happen and it will be fabulous!
2. Respect people in their own belief system: Once people are engaged, friends and family always seem to give advice immediately. It can be very overwhelming for the couple. Instead of telling them right away “Oh, you must do this” and “you must do that,” ask the couple “What do you want? How can I make your dream come true?” You’ll be surprised at the amazing response you will get and you will feel good about helping your friend
3. What goes around, comes around: Don’t like when people talk behind your back? Stop doing it yourself.
Leave the shit talking out of the wedding process (and, as a life rule!). Unless of course your friend is a ‘zilla. Then, you need to just smack it out of her.
When in Doubt, Refer to Girl (or, Boy!) Code
There is an unpublished book of friendship that is widely circulated, but rarely read. The book reflects on the School of Life and the journey that we call existence. Although hard to find in black and white, through the years and art of storytelling, a special code is brought to attention amongst friends.
We all grow up and move into new experiences in our lives. Some of us may go through things quicker than others. And, yes, it may be a drag that you haven’t found the one yet or things are not working out for you at the moment. But, that’s just it. It’s one moment. And, this is the moment for your friend. Be the support. Be their smiles. Be their courage. Be their best friend. Just be happy for your friend and all will go well. We promise!
See? It ain’t so bad. So, when Valentine’s Day rolls around next week and your feed is full of new bling (that word!), instead of rolling your eyes, take a deep breath, smile and put on your best engagement face. Your friend has found love. And, you may just find love at their wedding. Just sayin!
Besides, you know you are just itching to dance and get down to Wilson Phillips.
For more giggles, visit our Wedding Code board on Pinterest.
*Yes, gusband means gay husband. I’m blessed to have “two” significant others in my life. The gusband also calls it VD with every sexual disease pun intended. But, I digress and you’re welcome.